his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
