i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
