i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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