yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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