70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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