and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
