Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
