In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
