You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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