I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
