ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
