I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
