Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
