Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
