Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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