you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
