evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
