You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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