yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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