Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
