btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
