And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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