New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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