a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
