The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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