You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
