This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
