whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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