my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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