So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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