the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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