Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
