im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
