If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
