Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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