My hair reeks of homosexuality.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
