so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
