we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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