well I can't set my house on fire every night
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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