I am full of burrito and curiosity
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
