I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
