My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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