I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
