i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
