I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
