I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
