Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
