ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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