I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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