My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
