You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
